Sophie's Socks and Stuff

Feeling really quite down at the moment since I found out there isn't any money to keep me on in the lab once my PhD funding runs out. I think this has got to me quite a bit as after a big slump I've finally sorted out things and got stuff running really well and am finally motivated to get finished. I get on so well with my supervisor, I really can't imagine working with anyone nicer. I feel like I've achieved loads in the 3 years I've worked with him and I know that if I stayed and worked with him I'd be able to achieve even more. The lack of funding also seems like a bit of a personal insult. I've worked so hard so far and it feels a bit like my work isn't good enough to continue with even though I know my stuff is actually very good. Unfortunately it seems like most funding goes to crappy arrogant labs rather than lovely sweeties like my supervisor.

It's a bit of a bummer as well as after 2 1/2 years I'm finally feeling quite settled in the city and feel like it's my home. I don't really want to up sticks and move across the country and have everything totally new again. I also feel a bit strange as I have to take the boyfriend into consideration. He's really settled in the city as well and I don't know if we'll both move somewhere knew together, have a distance relationship or split up. Everything seems so up in the air just at a time when I had got used to stuff.

This is a photo of the last time I went on holiday, Ibiza 2000 with my housemates from university. I'm the pale and interesting one with wow wow written on my back in suncream. I was perversely proud of the fact that I'd spent the past 6 days sunbathing and still looked milkbottle white.

• * send off RSC conference application form
• * fill in RSC membership form
• * check introduction headings with supervisor and get timetable of writing sorted
• * check EDTA and Ni salt for next experiments
• * work out molar ratios for next experiments
• * finish GCSE maths practise paper
• * order HPLC solvents and check available columns
• * email about MS experiments

This weekend I discovered I am flexible enough to get my toe up my nose. I'm a bit wrongly proud of this fact as I think it shows I'm still semi flexible. It also provides massive amounts of entertainment to my wronger friends and family.

I did a course with this title this morning. I am quite a rubbish communicator when it comes down to it and when things really matter. I'm fine chatting to other students and friends and can witter on about anything from technical sciency stuff to how drunk I was at the weekend and a whole heap of stuff in between. I just seem to retreat so much in any sort of group situation or speaking to people much older, more learned or whatever. I know what I should be doing to communicate better in these circumstances but I'm just completely inept at actually carrying out what I know and I get so frustrated.

I did a course today about thesis submission regulations and generally feeling quite positive about things overall. I still don't have enough results and due to various lab issues I'm not going to have the coherent, organised super results thesis that I originally planned (I'm not sure anyone does really to be honest) but I've found out I can have the lovely chap as my external examiner and that if I start writing up everything now and as I continue to go along I only have to write about 300 words every day. It sounds quite managable if I look at it that way. I just need to get my arse in gear and make sure I do the quota each time so I don't get bogged down, overwhelmed and panicky.

Also feeling quite positive about jobs. There's always the worry that having changed disciplines quite drastically, and still being a bit sketchy about broader stuff of the new field, that I will be a bit inept at it but I think overall changing fields has been ace. The way I see it is that it marks me out from most other postgrads and that I'm not afraid to try new things/new technologies and am very good at picking up new ideas and techniques competently and quickly. Thinking over the research I've done in the past I've always tried new techniques and tried to do stuff I've never come across before. One of the things I liked about this PhD was that it was another completely different technique and then some. Despite the many moments of doubt I think I should be really, really pleased with how much I've achieved so far as I'm pretty certain I don't think most of my friends would have managed it so well (and being the bighead I am tonight, I'm pretty confident I could have done their projects quite, quite well)

I think with all that gloating I'm setting myself up for a big big fall. Or maybe this is coming to the crest of the wave after being way down in the doldrums for pretty much the past year.

Right I'm off home for a bath, dinner, bed and maybe a list about why my PhD research is original.

I'm on a roll at the moment. Go me. After 2 years of going along to first aid soc meetings I finally got my essential care skills certificate so if you pass out in front of me in the street I know exactly what to do. Ace

I was having a bit of a think over the weekend about stuff and even though I've lost some of the skills and stuff I had at 16 I've actually achieved quite a lot these past nearly 3 years of my PhD.

• * I've learnt a completely new scientific discipline, not a different branch of biology but actually something way different that I had never, ever done before. And I've done pretty well at learning the theory and the experimental side of things
• * I've nearly got my first ever research paper published in a pretty well respected journal and the entire content is my data only.
• * I've travelled alone to another country.
• * I've learnt to cook. I can do scrummy curries and risottos now, previously I could heat up stuff and bake cakes.
• * I've improved my maths skills.
• * I've become more self aware and understand how others see me.
• * I've learnt how to edit and make movies on my computer.
• * I AM A LION. Rrrrrrrroooooooaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I don't think that's a bad list although there's still heaps of stuff I'd like to add to it.