Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Monoculture
I'm really quite bored at the moment and feel like I'm a bit of a crossroads in my life careerwise (many options and no easy simple choice) which I'll probably moan about in another post soon.
Anyway I was thinking about how I've been thoroughly miserable in my current project so long and it struck me just how much female friends, colleagues and general company I keep. I live with my boyfriend and mostly socialise with him and his, mainly male, friends - most of the females in that group tend to me girlfriends that I usually don't know as well as the blokes. Also in my work the only other researchers and supervisors in my lab are male although fortunately there is a part time female student I see every so often in the office. It does seem strange to spend whole bunches of days only speaking to people of a single gender.
It's quite strange as even since I was little, I've probably got on better with boys, but I think that the current balance is rather unhealthy and I could do with a bit more emotional support and empathy (is that what I mean - my brain is a bit thick these days) every so often and which is usually a lot more forthcoming and easier to get from women.
Anyway I was thinking about how I've been thoroughly miserable in my current project so long and it struck me just how much female friends, colleagues and general company I keep. I live with my boyfriend and mostly socialise with him and his, mainly male, friends - most of the females in that group tend to me girlfriends that I usually don't know as well as the blokes. Also in my work the only other researchers and supervisors in my lab are male although fortunately there is a part time female student I see every so often in the office. It does seem strange to spend whole bunches of days only speaking to people of a single gender.
It's quite strange as even since I was little, I've probably got on better with boys, but I think that the current balance is rather unhealthy and I could do with a bit more emotional support and empathy (is that what I mean - my brain is a bit thick these days) every so often and which is usually a lot more forthcoming and easier to get from women.
Friday, March 24, 2006
I am in such a strange mood today. I just feel so hopeless and flapping around. I was planning on going to a seminar in my old department so I could catch up with one of the researchers there and find out about my chances of getting the post-doc vacancy he has advertised at the moment but I have totally wimped out at the last minute. I just don't feel like I can face seeing anyone in that department for a while as I know there will be loads of comments and about where I have been, how the writing up is going and stuff. I also don't want to speak to this guy about the job as I'm so scared I'll get turned down for it and with the mood I'm in now, that is probably a very bad thing.
I'm just feeling so tense and worried at the moment and I just can't settle down to do anything and keep my concentration going.
I'm just feeling so tense and worried at the moment and I just can't settle down to do anything and keep my concentration going.
Fed up week
I dunno what's up with me this week. I feel like I've got PMT despite not being anywhere near starting my period. Recently I have finally felt like I've been making some decent progress with getting the PhD thesis written. I now have a meeting once a week with one of my supervisors and aim to get a half decent draft thesis chapter to him. Unfortunately I got really discouraged this week. I worked really hard to get 2 chapters in for the meeting on wednesday and then in the meeting to discuss the work I'd given him previously he just moaned about the poor English and written standard of the work, rather than the content. Which is fair enough but I told him before that it was only a really rough draft and that the english was appalling and embarassing and I'm actually a much more competent writer, all I wanted to know was if I'd understood the principles OK and was on the right track contents-wise.
I'm also fed up as I'm trying to work on my last results chapter and it's so hard. Despite how I may come across on this blog I'm actually quite a bright perky optimist. I love doing stuff and being able to do it well. I know that life isn't fair but I can't help feeling that most people don't understand the situation I'm in with my PhD. I've totally moved area (from a BSc and MRes in bioscience to a PhD in physical chemistry and physics) and I've had to teach myself with virtually no support, all the background and founding principles that fit with the experimental methods I have used. I've had such a miserable time through most of this project despite getting some good results and some positive outcomes. It's just been like an uphill struggle for the past 3 1/2 years. I don't really mind having to learn all these difficult and new theories myself but tied in with an unisterested, uninvolved and unsupportive main supervisor, a main lab group where everyone is seriously depressed, a second lab miles away from my home department, a lot of time spent on my own and various other issues have made my time here feel very sad, lonely and isolated.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Sitting Smiley Sophie
This is me at the departmental annual dinner. I had a totally fab evening as I managed to get a ticket for free at the very last minute (I think I scrubbed up rather well considering the absolute last minuteness) and won the star prize in the raffle. It was definitely my lucky day!
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