Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Bad thoughts
Oh dear. I just can't be arsed with anything still. Sometimes I think having a blog is not such a good idea after all. I'm certainly not witty or entertaining, I just seem to expose my worst, self indulgent, whinging, moaning and dull traits. I think I can be quite entertaining and nice but I just never really have any friends. I don't really see the point in being nice to people if they won't reciprocate or whatever. I'd say I'm quite a friendly, approachable person, if I go to a conference or new place on my own I'll go up and chat to other people and stuff but I can't sustain things. It sometimes seems quite a worthless effort to be smiley, happy and vibrant or whatever. Often if I'm out with people and am feeling quite neutral people think I'm totally depressed and miserable and I have to make an effort to be smiley again or people think I'm specifically pissed off with them and won't speak to me or whatever. I'm just feeling so totally crap at the moment, my skin is bad and I feel fat and yukky but can't really be bothered and I don't know what to do about it. I'm still really anxious about getting the phd done as well. I keep thinking that my money will run out soon and there is still so much to do but I'm not getting it done. In a way I think I'm quite scared, I know it will be one of the hardest most stressful things I do, certainly in my professional life and I'm terrified about the viva I will have at the end of it. I suppose by not doing it I'm keeping things the way they are now, not great but not getting worse (or better but that always seems like quite an unlikely prospect). There's so much to do and think about I just keep getting overwhelmed and not able to do anything.
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I can't speak for Phds and the like, except for Jim Diamond and you're perhaps too young for that to make much sense, never mind help any.
But I can speak for being an asocial, un-warm/friendly/engaging type at first glance. Ok, so you may think you know slightly different, but I take some getting to know, and there's nothing wrong with that. It has helped that I've never really recognised peer pressure, never mind responded to it - I imagine half the reason for this is I have a strong enough sense of my own identity that I've never allowed external influences to affect me too much.
Which is quite ironic, knowing what you know.
In any case, I'm lucky that I have friends who I know I can trust, and luckier still that my need for them is rarely exercised.
It must be tricky with the Phd to deal with, but do try not to give yourself too much of a hard time about it - life's hard enough already.
But I can speak for being an asocial, un-warm/friendly/engaging type at first glance. Ok, so you may think you know slightly different, but I take some getting to know, and there's nothing wrong with that. It has helped that I've never really recognised peer pressure, never mind responded to it - I imagine half the reason for this is I have a strong enough sense of my own identity that I've never allowed external influences to affect me too much.
Which is quite ironic, knowing what you know.
In any case, I'm lucky that I have friends who I know I can trust, and luckier still that my need for them is rarely exercised.
It must be tricky with the Phd to deal with, but do try not to give yourself too much of a hard time about it - life's hard enough already.
My entire reason for starting a blog was simply to have somewhere to rant and rave on subjects that bothered me, or interested me, or whatever. I write what I like, when I like, how I like and that's that. It's mainly to get things off my chest.
That said, I don't much like people either. All my family think I'm the most boring, antisocial person ever.
Sometimes I think the friends I've made online over the years are all the better for the fact that I can choose when and how I interact with them. If I'm feeling antisocial, I don't go online.
Real people are unpredictable, and expect things of us.
You're a lovely person Sophie, don't expect any more from yourself than you would other people you know, you might be pleasantly surprised.
((( Sophie )))
That said, I don't much like people either. All my family think I'm the most boring, antisocial person ever.
Sometimes I think the friends I've made online over the years are all the better for the fact that I can choose when and how I interact with them. If I'm feeling antisocial, I don't go online.
Real people are unpredictable, and expect things of us.
You're a lovely person Sophie, don't expect any more from yourself than you would other people you know, you might be pleasantly surprised.
((( Sophie )))
# posted by 
: 4:17 pm
: 4:17 pm
Sophs, you'll do the PhD! i know that you will! I figure that you are at the most difficult stage of it now because you can see the end but you can't see the beginning either.
Anyhow, your supervisor must think that you are fab if he gave you a post doc!
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Anyhow, your supervisor must think that you are fab if he gave you a post doc!
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